Saturday, July 2, 2016

How to be a mommy blogger

Based on personal experience, I've compiled the necessary steps it takes to be a mommy blogger. Perhaps a few of you out there in internet land will be inspired.  

Step 1) Wake up at an unearthly hour to rambunctious children climbing into bed to play hide and seek under your covers.  Grumble as squealing children wake up the baby, which means you have zero chance of going back to sleep.  Nurse baby, scroll through Facebook on phone, read morning devotions, and wait for Husband to leave for work before showering and getting dressed.

Step 2)  Dress children and listen to them wreak havoc as you shower and dress for the day. Threaten said children multiple times with no breakfast unless they clean up the mess they made.

Step 3) "Help" children clean up their mess and go downstairs to fix them breakfast and start on laundry.

Step 4)  Find laptop that had been hidden from grabbing hands the day before and turn it on.  Wait for updates to load while simultaneously emptying the dishwasher and dodging food that the baby is throwing.

Step 5)  Realize the baby is about to fall out of his high chair and the older children need help cleaning up after breakfast.  Grab and clean off baby, chair, table, floor, and older children.

Step 6)  Finalize shopping list and pack up snacks, drinks, diapers, and wipes to head to the grocery store.  This needs to be done before nap time or any attempt out of the house will end in many, many tears.

Step 7)  Nurse baby then load everyone into the car with all toys, drinks, and snacks that heaven forbid would think to be left behind.  Search frantically for small missing shoes that you know you put away yesterday.  Run back and forth from the house to the car three more times to ensure all lights were turned off, animals are fed, and wallet is not forgotten.  Dawdle as long as possible in the peaceful silence of the house while children start yelling for you from the car.

Step 8)  Drive to the grocery store and negotiate with children over seating arrangements for the trip.  After a few rounds of musical cart seating, ensure everyone is ready to go into the grocery store and realizes this is not a shopping trip to pick up toys or games.  You are here for food, not fun.

Step 9)  Enjoy walking around the store with the children, narrating and discussing food options (read- just because it has Frozen on it does not mean we need to buy it.  Yes, I see there is a princess on the cereal.  That's not what we are getting today.)  Allow children to help you select items and put them in the cart.  Dole out snacks in a timely manner and frantically check that all items from your dumped out purse are still in the cart.  Instruct eldest child to pick up the entire box of blueberries that are rolling away because she dropped them on the ground.  Ignore the bag of flour that burst open in the cart because your child wanted to rearrange the cart.  Double check list to make sure you at least grabbed the most essential items.

Step 10)  Cringe as children helpfully wrestle items onto conveyor belt, praying nothing gets too damaged.  Assure checkout clerk that some items are opened and leaking, but you are still going to take them because you are responsible for the damage and don't want to wait another second.   Remind children over and over again not to take the teaser items that they are gripping from the checkout aisle.  Mommy does not need another chapstick or tiny princess doll today.  Not even that delicious looking chocolate bar.  

Step 11)  Load all children and items into car, reminding them that these items are for home, not right now.  We are not going to dig through all the bags to find your applesauce for you to hold.  It will be right here waiting for you when we get home.

Step 12)  Pick up coffee at the drive thru because the children gleefully pointed out that it is conveniently located on the way home and they were very good at the store today and everyone should get a treat.

Step 13)  Leave sleeping baby in the car with the air conditioning running while you unload older children and groceries from the car.  Hope nobody notices sleeping baby and car running and decides to go for a joyride.  Run back and forth multiple times and remind starving children that you will make their lunch in just a minute because you need to put frozen food items away before they melt.

Step 14)  Unload sleeping baby from the car and pray he stays asleep....

Step 15)  Listen to baby scream while you make lunch for children who are practically dead from starvation at this point.  Set everyone up for lunch and nurse baby, then put him in high chair for his lunch.  Refill drinks and negotiate over food eaten.

Step 16)  Notice laptop on counter and power on.  Wait for updates to finish and screen to load. Think about asking for a new laptop as a Christmas present.

Step 17)  Clean up baby and children and table and chairs and floor.  Mop up spilled drinks and load dishes.  Remember to switch laundry load.  Sit on couch and read multiple books to children.

Step 18)  Help children find art supplies for a project they decided to make.  Remind child that a glue stick is not a marker.  Wrestle crayons and markers away from baby and remind older children to keep their items on the table.

Step 19)  Notice laptop on counter and power on.  Wait for updates to finish and screen to load.  Sign in and log on to check email.

Step 20)  Referee fight between children, help middle child use the restroom and remember that nap time was supposed to happen an hour ago but they children were playing so nicely you didn't want to interrupt.

Step 21) Carry dead weight of child upstairs and use ninja skills to stop her from grabbing on to the stair railing and making you painfully twist your shoulder.  Negotiate with child over number of toys she can have in her bed, whether or not the light will be on, whether or not the fan will be on, whether or not the door will be open, where her drink is, and whether or not she can have a snack in bed.

Step 22)  Change and nurse baby to sleep.  Shush older child as she decides to bang on the piano and sing her heart out.  Send middle child back to her room.  Nurse baby back to sleep and set gently in crib.

Step 23)  Put laundry away before Husband's work clothes wrinkle and you need to wash them again. Assure older child you will be downstairs soon.

Step 24)  Stop by sleeping child's room and stare adoringly at her cherub face. Turn off light, move book off of her face and toy out from under her neck.

Step 25)  Help older child with elaborate coloring project downstairs.

Step 26)  Move laptop to table with older child and power on.  Realize laptop is out of battery and search for power cord.  Find power cord and plug in and wait for enough power to power on.

Step 27)  Listen to sounds of crying baby and hope he doesn't wake sleeping child.  Tiptoe upstairs and rescue crying baby from the desolate crib and nurse him.  Stare into his eyes and fend off his pinching hands.

Step 28)  Feed endless snacks and drinks to eldest child and baby and middle child who just woke up.   Clean up baby, table, chairs and floor.  Coerce middle child into using the restroom.  

Step 29) Send older children outside to play while you prep dinner.  Go outside with baby to play too.

Step 30) Work on dinner and listen to children complain about how hungry they are.  Check phone multiple times to see if Husband is on his way home yet.

Step 31) Power on laptop and log in.  Write "Happy Birthday" on people's Facebook walls so they know you are a good friend.  Join in on message threads you hadn't responded to.  Look at running list of blog ideas and try to remember what you wanted to write about.

Step 32)  Greet Husband as he comes home and try to pawn children off on him so you can finish dinner.  Have children help set table and serve dinner.  Refill drinks, cut food into small pieces, and pick up sippy cup a minimum of ten times.  

Step 33) Send Husband and children upstairs for playtime and bath and books and bedtime while you clean up table and chairs and food and load dishwasher.  Blast music and clean floors and toys. Add items to to-do list and redo grocery list, omitting items you picked up earlier.  Pay bills and walk out to the mailbox.

Step 34)  Go upstairs to take baby and nurse to sleep.  Place gently in crib and pray he sleeps for a while.  Help older child put on band-aid.  Help middle child get a drink.  Give middle child pile of books to read while she uses the restroom.  Help older child fix her blankets.  Help middle child finish up in restroom.

Step 35) Go downstairs and catch up with Husband.  Watch Fixer Upper and discuss home project ideas.  Rescue baby from the evil crib and grab laptop from table.

Step 36) Plop on couch, give baby toys, power on laptop and log in.  Decide on a blog topic and start to type.  Fend off baby fingers trying to help you type.  Pull baby off of laptop and hope bloodcurdling screams don't wake the other children.  Place laptop on a shelf where baby cannot reach.  Realize it is very late and go upstairs to put baby back to sleep.

Step 37)  Think of more things to blog about and add them to the list on your phone.  Start to jumble your thoughts so you shut down for the night and go to sleep.  You'll be able to focus more tomorrow after you have a good night's sleep.  
And that, dear readers, is how to be a mommy blogger.  Hopefully soon I'll make it further than Step 37.  Wish me luck!

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