Wednesday, December 10, 2014

"Would you like to see your cervix?"

I'm so excited to be one of BabyCenter's Blogger Contest Finalists!  You can view my submission here.  The blog I submitted was edited for contest requirements, so I'm publishing the expanded version here.  I hope you enjoy and feel free to vote for me Dec. 16-22! 

“Would you like to see your cervix?”  

The birthing center where I plan to give birth rotates the OB doctors at each appointment.  In this way, expectant mothers have the chance to meet all the potential people who could assist in the birth of the baby.  It seems like a good idea.  You will already know one of the faces that will be staring (and then some) at your hoo-ha on your delivery date.  Makes the introductions a little quicker and easier, I suppose.  It’s not a big deal to me, though.  My baby is coming out no matter what.  I don’t really care about the relationship between me and the person down there.  As long as he or she catches the baby, I’m good.     

I just had my second prenatal appointment at this facility.  Thus, I met a new doctor.  Dr. Stevens* reminded me of Jamie Lee Curtis from the movie “True Lies.”  You know, the one with Arnold Schwarzeneggar and Jamie Lee Curtis gets fooled into doing this amazing striptease for him?  That movie.  Granted, Dr. Stevens did not do a striptease for me, thank goodness, but her appearance was reminiscent of this Jamie Lee Curtis with her short hair and slim figure.  

Then she opened her mouth and I was transported to Mrs. Doubtfire.  

“Hi, honey!”  she greeted me with falsetto tones and a grandmotherly  manner.  

“Uh, hi,” I replied, thinking she couldn’t actually be serious.  

But yes, she really was.  I had an entire, intimate, prenatal appointment performed by Jamie Lee Curtis as Mrs. Doubtfire.  

During this appointment I was scheduled to have a pap smear and a complete physical.  Dr. Jamie Lee Curtis Doubtfire started at the top.  

 “OK, now honey I’m going to check your neck and your thyroids to make sure everything is ok,”  she smiled sweetly at me while pressing on my throat. Then she opened the front of my gown and spent an inordinately long time making sure there were no lumps on the girls.  All is well, in case you were wondering.  I bet my Husband could have told Jamie Lee Doubtfire that as well.  

After that was the dreaded pap smear.  “Alright, honey, put your feet up here and I’m going to get out my speculum.  You’ll probably feel pressure.”  Dr. Jamie Lee then pulls out the Q-tip on steroids and lets me know I might feel a little twinge.  Then she stops and looks at me.  

“Would you like to see your cervix?”  

Um, what?    

“What?” I ask.  I mean, I’ve never heard this question before in my life.  

“Have you ever seen your cervix before?  Would you like to see it?”  asks Dr. Doubtfire sweetly.  

“Yes?”  I respond.  Seriously, I have not seen my cervix before.  Have you?  Do you even know where it is?  It’s going to thin and stretch in order to push a baby out.  I figured I wanted to take a looksee.  

“Well, honey,”  says Jamie Lee thoughtfully, looking me intently in the eyes, “it looks like the tip of a penis.  You’ll see it down the end there with a red dot in the middle.”  She pulls out a handheld mirror and hands it to me.  

I awkwardly hold the mirror and lo’ and behold, there’s my cervix.  Right there at the end of my vagina, exactly as she had described it.   That tiny thing has to stretch to ten centimeters to let my baby through.  It’s no wonder labor is painful.  

After that she told me to get dressed back in my “warm, cozy clothes”  (it was jeans and a t-shirt) and she would be back to chat and answer any questions I might have about my pregnancy.  

Later I said my goodbyes to Dr. Jamie Lee Curtis Doubtfire and hightailed it out to the parking lot to text my best friend about the weirdest prenatal appointment I had ever had.  

I wonder which doctor I will see next.   


*Name changed to protect privacy

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