Thursday, August 11, 2016

7 Reasons I'm Not Ready for Back to School

Unless you're a hermit, you’ve noticed the store shelves stocked to overflowing with school supplies gleefully screaming “Back to School” the moment you walk in. I know many of you out there are counting down the hours until the little minions are shuttled off to make messes and mayhem under someone else’s domain (#sorryteachers), but I’m not one of those moms. Here’s 7 reasons why I'm not ready for Back to School:

1. Sleeping in
I know, I know, I’m a crazy person if I think kids sleep in over summer. Despite the blackout curtains and setting the temperature on the thermostat to that of Antarctica to fool the munchkins into thinking it’s time to hibernate, they wake up like roosters crowing at sunrise. However, there’s this magical tool called a remote that controls the giant screen on the wall. It mesmerizes my offspring long enough (well, let’s be honest, they would never get off the couch if I let them sit in front of the tv all day) for me to get a few more hours, er, um, minutes of sleep. 

2. Scheduling
For some reason, there’s a certain schedule that needs to be followed when your kid is in school. You know, drop off kid at school by 8:15 and pick up by 2:15. If you can do that, you’re a good mom who cares about her child’s education, obviously. Happen to show up a few minutes late in pajamas holding a Venti six shot caramel macchiato with extra whip, and the office staff will whisper words like neglect and selfish behind your back. Who needs that kind of pressure?  Not this mom. To me, summer means no schedule. We can take random day trips to the zoo or the beach and show up whenever we please. Need to catch a rare Pokémon in another state? Hop in the car, kids, mamas got a battle to win.

3. Friend patrol
At school those young, impressionable minds are exposed to all kinds of riff raff and street rats. At home, I can control who comes in and out of my precious babies’ personal bubbles. This may include inviting over the child whose mom sends her with hostess gifts (why yes, I will accept your homemade goodies), or pretending like you’re not able to make contact with annoying little Jude’s mom to set up a playdate. Sorry, honey, they must be on a really long vacation to another country. I only get a few years to have input before they blow me off for good. I’m going to capitalize this power to the best of my ability. 

4. Homework
Homework battles. Need I say more? (Well, while we’re on the topic, who can understand this Common Core math anyway? I refuse to go to school again to help my child. Been there, done that. Get it together, ‘Merica.)

5. It’s all about the money, money, money
Have you noticed the prices of school supplies? Sure, the signs say everything is on sale, but when you add in a new backpack and lunch box and binders and paper and heaven forbid you forget about school clothes unless you want your child to be the laughingstock of the locker room, this stuff adds up. I mean, my daughter can only pull off jeans that are too short as fashionable cropped pants for so long. Once fall sets in, my jig is up and my wallet is crying.

6. Summer goals
I’ve been so busy sleeping in and catching Pokémon I haven’t had the chance to complete any of my summer projects. The bathroom is a half-finished tile mess, the backyard is a giant dirt pile from where I started to replace the deck, and the kitchen is still missing the backsplash. I can’t meet my kids’ new friends like this. What would they tell their parents? I also haven’t had the chance to get my kids fluent in another language or develop an elite robotics program so I can show up all the other moms. I need more time, people.

7. I want them to myself
Speaking of time, this season isn’t going to last forever. Right now my babies are still my babies and they’re (mostly) ok with that. They want me to read to them and snuggle in bed together and do random dance parties in the kitchen. I don’t want school to steal them away where they bond with teachers and make friends with the lunch lady. These are my kids. Mine, mine, mine. 

So you see, Back to School, I’m not ready for you. I’m just going to roll over in bed, cuddle with my babies, and pretend like you don’t exist. Any other moms with me?